The differences between love and sex have been discussed since the beginning of thought, but it seems that we never advance on the topic. It's not usually a problem for people to realize that love and sex are not synonymous, but we continue to act otherwise, so let's take a look at this by using the terms sex drive and love drive, and sex bond and love bond. Trying to frame it this way may make it easier to realize that these desires are not always identical and can lead to (hopefully) some new insights.
To be clear, these are not always mutually exclusive either. One can drag the other along for the ride if it's strong enough. (An analogy that might help is an old fashioned radio dial where one station bleeds over into another one if the signal is too strong.) This happens frequently enough that we often end up seeing them as inseparable, forgetting that they don't have to be.
This is most apparent with the accusation of cheating from someone in a long-term love-sex relationship. The person who "cheats" by having sex with someone else is almost always seen as having violated the couple's love bond as well as the sex bond. But it's the rare person who hasn't also learned that the act of cheating can be said to have happened when an emotional bond takes place with someone outside a relationship--even if there has been no sexual act. We have a tendency to see a violation of the sex bond or the love bond as a violation of the love bond, with little ability or desire to even try and keep them separate.
As any couple who has argued over this can likely attest, the person who cheated will rarely say they don't love their partner any longer with the other partner being dubious, seeing no difference between a violation of the sex bond and the love bond. It may actually be true that the person does still love their partner even after having had sex with someone else. But, with neither partner fully understanding that the love drive and sex drive can be separate, the argument usually gets resolved poorly--if at all.
We should admit to ourselves that resolving a sex bond issue can be different from solving a love bond issue. Even if these two desires have been nicely brought together by a couple for most of their relationship, looking at them separately when necessary can help to resolve problems with either of them and then, if desired, re-combine the love bond and sex bond more closely. (Another analogy: When a mechanic repairs a car, it is almost always required to remove and separate the parts, take care of the one that's malfunctioning, then put it back together. Trying to fix an alternator problem by working on the battery will always fail.) The real problem we have is not seeing sex and love and separately when it is appropriate.
Some other scenarios to consider include those who have been in a long-term love-sex relationship and sometimes engaged in sex without having the desire to do so. This clearly indicates that the sex drive is not permanently connected to the love drive, otherwise this would never happen. With the love drive intact, a person "not in the mood" may engage in sex anyway because it's what the other partner wants. With this in mind, we should also be able to more openly accept that the act of sex--inside or outside of a long-term relationship--does not have to involve the love drive. In these cases, the sex drive is on its own.
To complicate matters further, the sex drive and love drive can be triggered by other emotions (from inside or outside the relationship) that have nothing to do with either. Things that can trigger them to varying degrees include physical attractiveness, wealth, fame, humor, intelligence, a self-less act, shared experiences, common interests, similar personalities, and more. Having had the love drive or sex drive triggered by something outside a primary relationship doesn't necessarily mean that these desires have been diminished within that relationship. It can mean that, of course, but it could also be temporary and/or minimal.
If we really want to have love-sex relationships that work, ignoring what's really driving our behaviors is always going to fail. If, instead, we accept the difficult reality that our love drive and sex drive do not always get triggered together, and our love bonds and sex bonds can't be nurtured if we always see them as a singular bond, we will be heading for major improvements.
To be clear, these are not always mutually exclusive either. One can drag the other along for the ride if it's strong enough. (An analogy that might help is an old fashioned radio dial where one station bleeds over into another one if the signal is too strong.) This happens frequently enough that we often end up seeing them as inseparable, forgetting that they don't have to be.
This is most apparent with the accusation of cheating from someone in a long-term love-sex relationship. The person who "cheats" by having sex with someone else is almost always seen as having violated the couple's love bond as well as the sex bond. But it's the rare person who hasn't also learned that the act of cheating can be said to have happened when an emotional bond takes place with someone outside a relationship--even if there has been no sexual act. We have a tendency to see a violation of the sex bond or the love bond as a violation of the love bond, with little ability or desire to even try and keep them separate.
As any couple who has argued over this can likely attest, the person who cheated will rarely say they don't love their partner any longer with the other partner being dubious, seeing no difference between a violation of the sex bond and the love bond. It may actually be true that the person does still love their partner even after having had sex with someone else. But, with neither partner fully understanding that the love drive and sex drive can be separate, the argument usually gets resolved poorly--if at all.
We should admit to ourselves that resolving a sex bond issue can be different from solving a love bond issue. Even if these two desires have been nicely brought together by a couple for most of their relationship, looking at them separately when necessary can help to resolve problems with either of them and then, if desired, re-combine the love bond and sex bond more closely. (Another analogy: When a mechanic repairs a car, it is almost always required to remove and separate the parts, take care of the one that's malfunctioning, then put it back together. Trying to fix an alternator problem by working on the battery will always fail.) The real problem we have is not seeing sex and love and separately when it is appropriate.
Some other scenarios to consider include those who have been in a long-term love-sex relationship and sometimes engaged in sex without having the desire to do so. This clearly indicates that the sex drive is not permanently connected to the love drive, otherwise this would never happen. With the love drive intact, a person "not in the mood" may engage in sex anyway because it's what the other partner wants. With this in mind, we should also be able to more openly accept that the act of sex--inside or outside of a long-term relationship--does not have to involve the love drive. In these cases, the sex drive is on its own.
To complicate matters further, the sex drive and love drive can be triggered by other emotions (from inside or outside the relationship) that have nothing to do with either. Things that can trigger them to varying degrees include physical attractiveness, wealth, fame, humor, intelligence, a self-less act, shared experiences, common interests, similar personalities, and more. Having had the love drive or sex drive triggered by something outside a primary relationship doesn't necessarily mean that these desires have been diminished within that relationship. It can mean that, of course, but it could also be temporary and/or minimal.
If we really want to have love-sex relationships that work, ignoring what's really driving our behaviors is always going to fail. If, instead, we accept the difficult reality that our love drive and sex drive do not always get triggered together, and our love bonds and sex bonds can't be nurtured if we always see them as a singular bond, we will be heading for major improvements.
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