Okay, everyone else seems to be doing a satire piece on the Hobby Lobby case, so I guess I'll do one too...
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July 2, 2014 (Oklahoma City) - Employees of the Hobby Lobby retain chain will soon have 10 percent of their paychecks withheld for the payment of tithes, a spokesperson for the family that owns the chain said today.
Announcing that the Supreme Court ruling in the Hobby Lobby birth control case is "God's clear sign" that they should step up enforcement of more Biblical mandates, it was declared that the obligatory collection of tithes will play a roll in "divine wrath" from being inflicted on the company or any of its employees now that God's message as been delivered.
"God would not have allowed this ruling to occur if He was against the enforcement of Biblical edicts by corporations," said Malachi Green, a member of the family that owns the craft store chain. "It makes no sense to assume that God only wants us to enforce one of his ancient edits on our employees. This move will also prevent any future divine wrath against anyone getting an income from us."
The tithe collection will begin Aug. 3, 2014 and will be calculated on before-tax wages. "Nowhere in the Bible does it say that taxes should be exempt from the 10 percent tithe requirement," Green said.
The money will be distributed to "real" Christian churches determined by Green family members who will take applications from any church that can prove they "see women as second-class citizens, think Jesus is white and wrote the Constitution, have preached the truth that President Obama is a Muslim who needs to be impeached, regularly insult people living in poverty, have endorsed at least two conspiracy theories," and declare that "God wouldn't have allowed us to invent guns if we weren't supposed to use them in His name." Bonus points will be given for those who promote Fox News as the channel "Jesus uses to speak to America."
"This plan will ensure that our employees get right with God and their money doesn't end up going to 'pretend' Christians," Green declared.
When asked what their next God-directed move might be, Green gave a clue that it might involve women and virginity. "Read Deuteronomy 22," Green hinted.
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July 2, 2014 (Oklahoma City) - Employees of the Hobby Lobby retain chain will soon have 10 percent of their paychecks withheld for the payment of tithes, a spokesperson for the family that owns the chain said today.
Announcing that the Supreme Court ruling in the Hobby Lobby birth control case is "God's clear sign" that they should step up enforcement of more Biblical mandates, it was declared that the obligatory collection of tithes will play a roll in "divine wrath" from being inflicted on the company or any of its employees now that God's message as been delivered.
"God would not have allowed this ruling to occur if He was against the enforcement of Biblical edicts by corporations," said Malachi Green, a member of the family that owns the craft store chain. "It makes no sense to assume that God only wants us to enforce one of his ancient edits on our employees. This move will also prevent any future divine wrath against anyone getting an income from us."
The tithe collection will begin Aug. 3, 2014 and will be calculated on before-tax wages. "Nowhere in the Bible does it say that taxes should be exempt from the 10 percent tithe requirement," Green said.
The money will be distributed to "real" Christian churches determined by Green family members who will take applications from any church that can prove they "see women as second-class citizens, think Jesus is white and wrote the Constitution, have preached the truth that President Obama is a Muslim who needs to be impeached, regularly insult people living in poverty, have endorsed at least two conspiracy theories," and declare that "God wouldn't have allowed us to invent guns if we weren't supposed to use them in His name." Bonus points will be given for those who promote Fox News as the channel "Jesus uses to speak to America."
"This plan will ensure that our employees get right with God and their money doesn't end up going to 'pretend' Christians," Green declared.
When asked what their next God-directed move might be, Green gave a clue that it might involve women and virginity. "Read Deuteronomy 22," Green hinted.
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