Monday, November 17, 2014

The Loneliness of Miscommunication

An idea struck me today that should have surfaced within my brain quite a long time ago: despite the romantic reputation of a life filled with variety, the more varied one's life experiences, the more lonely that person is likely to be.

I pull this idea in part from an often repeated insight about loneliness not being an absence of people in one's life, but a lack of people with whom one can successfully communicate. This type of communication problem is readily recognized as being in play for people who simply have a highly unique brain chemistry or who have lived through various kinds of physical trauma. But I don't think loneliness caused by a highly varied and unique life is generally acknowledged.

People with highly varied and unique life experiences I think are much more likely to find points of commonality with others to be weak and functionally nil. Even when there seems to be a promising overlap of experience or knowledge open for exploitation, for those who have lived a highly unique life the opportunity is often quickly exposed as an illusion.

This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't a common human trait to seek out people who understand us. We often hear people dream about a partner that "gets me" and fill out dating questionnaires designed to match people who have the most points of commonality. We look for groups to join on websites like meetup.com to meet people who might be similar to ourselves. We engage with special interest groups, volunteer for causes we support, and look for connections with people who have similar hobbies by attending conventions and conferences. When given the choice, we move to neighborhoods where people are most like ourselves. This search for compatible others is a core part of being human, and when the search fails, loneliness is a highly likely result.

As is often the case with things we romanticize, a downside exists that gets little attention. When we learn about people who have lived lives filled with adventures or strings of disconnected experiences we find alluring, it's natural to glorify the person's life. But if one looks carefully enough, the lonely downside is what might deserve the attention more.

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